when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Randomize
