I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
