Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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