Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
