Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Randomize
