Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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