yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
