Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Randomize
