Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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