i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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