you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize