Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I am mentally ready for anal.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
