I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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