I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
