Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Randomize
