We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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