This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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