haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
