dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
