did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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