Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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