Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
