I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
