I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
