Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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