My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
They took my balls.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
