you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Randomize
