This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
