the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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