there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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