If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
