Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
