i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
try to milk me bitch
Randomize