guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
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