my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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