Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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