Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
