Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
