my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
