you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
