I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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