i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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