drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
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