There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
