here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
