I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
i think i have two assholes
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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