I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Boobs speak an international language.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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