She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
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