How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
