nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Randomize
