i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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