I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
