So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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