I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
