I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
