I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
