Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
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