My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
