How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
