There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize