I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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