and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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