i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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