Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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