9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
