toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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