Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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